Cheaters

So, this topic hits a little close to home. Many of us have been cheated on, myself included. For some of us, it gets to the point where you can spot a cheater from a mile away and keep it pushing. You eventually become so used to it and come across so many different ways to be cheated on that you become almost a human lie detector. For those that haven't, let's examine the fuckery that is a cheater in this day and age.

Now, the number one way to catch a cheater is through their cell phone. Seriously, cell phones are the cause of the end of so many relationships. Why? Because cheaters always use text messaging. They save numbers and only a select few are smart enough to save them under a name already in the phone. Ah, but that's a catch 22 right there. Because lets say you save it under your best friend's name and you forget to delete a message or a message comes through while you're with your significant other that is not something that should come from a friend. Oh, then that little lightbulb kicks on. Now we have smart phones and the added risk of the apps you use to connect to certain websites. These include facebook and twitter as well as dating apps.

Pause. Let me just state, if you got someone and you're stupid enough to put an app to a dating site on your phone while you're with them, you deserve the ass kicking you're gonna get if your other half is anything like me. Seriously, you have to be a complete novice to get caught like this.

Anyway, the shit in your phone gets you cheaters caught all the time. You may think you were being smart using facebook messages or twitter DMs but i bet your dumb ass thought since your other half doesn't have your password it wouldn't be a problem? Can your other half get in your phone? Is it logged into any app you use to do your dirt? If the answer is yes to any of these, guess what, you're fucked.

Now, I know a few other ways to catch that ass up too. You thought you had your bases covered by keeping those clean, right? Wrong. Next up, email. Oh you stupid fucks that manage to clean out those other inboxes always forget the email. You might clean out your inbox and maybe you clean the trash out too. But here's where you fuck up. You leave the spam folder full. I'm gonna give you a few seconds to digest that................lost yet? Let me break it down for you. Your inbox is completely clean. So is your trash folder. Spam is full. Why? Your trash folder should probably never be empty. It automatically clears old messages after a month anyway. Why are you cleaning it out? Because you got something to hide. It's the little shit that catches your dumb ass up.

But what if you don't use these sites and emails to do your dirt? Think you're off the hook? Think because you don't text and don't let that hoe call your phone you're in the clear? Nope, let me dispel the next little trick. You hoes get a friend in to help cover your ass. I love catching hoes like this. You use a friend and try to catch your other half on a technicality. You say you're going to hang with this friend, one we know well enough. And you do....only that friend brings your hoe with them. And every one of you that tries that trick lets that shit slip. Want to know how? You have the conversation and you inevitably ask a question. This question has to do with who else is coming. And you fumble over the name. You don't want to say the hoe's actual name. So you say something generic and think you covered your ass. No, bitch, you didn't. I heard that slip and now I know what's up.

Oh, but you think you got a way around that problem, right? You'll just check in every hour or so and that gets you off the hook, right? Wrong bitch, because if you normally don't check in why the fuck are you doing it now? You nervous and you trying to make sure I don't show up unannounced wherever you are. Stupid ass, I'm not gonna do that because I know class goes out the window when you catch a hoe in the act.

Let me touch on one more way to get caught in the act. Scent. Scent will always give your ass away. First thing, if you bring your ass in my house smelling like a soap that isn't currently in my house (assuming we live together) or the soap you normally use (because I'm a fucking pro i memorize this shit), we about to have a misunderstanding. Secondly, if only your genitals smell like soap but the rest of you is sweaty, I'm about to click the fuck out. Third, if you come to kiss me and I smell dick on your breath (or pussy, whatever the case may be), prepare to lose your teeth. Fourth, if I go down there and I smell a scent that is not you and definitely is not me, you might be about to bleed out.

Pause. If at any point in this last paragraph you thought I was talking about cologne or perfume scents, choke twice. Every human being has an actual scent that is always attached to them. When I get with someone, I memorize their scent and my scent on them. I will always know the difference.

One more. Let's talk about condoms. If you and the person you're supposed to be with don't use condoms, you should never, ever be caught with condoms on you or in your apartment. If you do, keep track of the number. I do just so I can catch that hoe cheating. And I'm never wrong. I never miscount. I know how many condoms I keep and where I keep them. I also know how and where I dispose of them, so if I run up on a used one, I know it's not mine and you cannot convince me otherwise.

So you may ask how I would and have handled these situations. First off, let me say, jail isn't fun so keep your temper in check. Never, ever go where they are without someone to hold you back from hitting this hoe until they stop breathing. Because trust me, even the mildest mannered person can click out when catching the person they love with someone else. Here's how I handle it. First, I make sure I'm not just being paranoid. I gather the evidence. Then, I present it when we're alone, probably at improper or inopportune times for them. Like when they think I'm about to put it on them. Or when they just got home. Or when they're good and sleep so they're less likely to think up lies to cover their ass......you get my point right? Get in where you fit in. You know this hoe enough to think they're cheating. Get that ass when they're vulnerable, and always face to face. Gotta read the facial expressions.

To you cheaters out there, yes, I just put several holes in your game. Fuck y'all. You make it hard on those of us that are faithful. And I'm tired of dealing with the shit you put people through when I'm the most faithful mutha fucka around. I'm real tired of you thinking you got game and can pull the wool over our eyes. Fuck that. I got that ass always. The fuckery you bring can't compare to the master of mind fucks. And these are just a few ways, nowhere near all, that I catch this type of fuckery going on. If you've been cheated on, step your game up to keep on top of that shit as it happens. Trust me, by the time you gather the evidence, you will have already let your heart break and begun piecing it back together, so when you kick that hoe to the curb, it won't hurt so much.