How many partners have you had?

So you just got into a relationship, right? You're in that getting to know another stage. It's fun. You get to ask about everything. Their likes and dislikes, family, friends, sex.

Pause pause pause for the mutha fuckin cause. I can deal with it when sex comes up. I might enjoy that conversation more than any other. But here's the problem. They always ask that one question after they get me to admit I've had quite a bit of sex. They want to know how many partners I've had before them. That is such an unfair and bullshit question. I've made it clear, because I can't sit and lie, that I've been active. This is the rudest question to ask me ever. Don't get it? Allow me to tell you why.

1. I just fucking told you I've been pretty active. Why in the blue fuck do you need a number to put with it?

2. Bitch, I lost count years ago. I started early. I have been fucking for well over a decade and a half. And I'm not saying this as some badge of honor. I'm just being real. 

3. This question then leads to more questions that will only make you feel insecure. Then you want to know about sizes. Ladies want to know if the chick was fat or skinny, if her boobs were bigger or smaller. Dudes want to know if the dick was bigger or the ass was tighter; did the other guys ride it, could they take it, did they run from it.

Lets be real. When it comes to sex, you need to know very few things. First, you need to know I get tested regularly and I'm clean. Never had any STD ever. Second, you need to know positions I like, positions I hate, and positions I want to try. You need to know turn ons and turn offs. What you don't need to know is the exact number of people I had before you. Don't worry about the past, worry about the present. And don't ask me mutha fuckin questions I don't actually know the answer to. Because if I lie and give you a low ball number, it'll come to light. If I tell you the truth, which is I don't fucking know because I been doing this shit way too long and stopped counting years ago, then you'll look down your nose at me. The shit isn't relevant to what we're about to do. Asking that one question opens the door to infinite levels of fuckery that will just fuck up the whole relationship. So ladies and gents, do me a favor, stop asking for exact fucking numbers of partners.

Take your 180 ass on somewhere.

Seems like we got a new voice up in this bitch. I know you're used to Dre, but I thought I'd come in and speak my piece off and on about the fuckery that I see. Before we kick this shit off, I'm Fujin- as in the Mortal Kombat character who debuted in MK4.

You know those friends you've been down with since your school days or even those friends you been talking to for the last five to eight years? Yeah, them. You do everything together from clubbing to Skyping to even flirting with the opposite (or same, whatever your tastes) sex together.

These people are supposed to be your best friends and you couldn't ask for a better group to be closer to. Then, time passes and all kinds of excellent things and people come into your life. You ain't forgot about that same group you ran through the halls and beat the shit out of stuntin'-ass niggas with. In fact, you try to bring your new life into the fold because you don't forget where you come from. Where's the fuckery, you ask?

The fuckery is how motherfuckers start turning on yo' ass out the blue and for the stupidest of fucking reasons. These people wanna leech the goddamn joy out of yo' life because they don't wanna see you uplifted and chillin'. These people fall into two categories: either they're miserable themselves and wanna bring you down or they're also happy but wanna see you down and out.

Eleven times out of ten, I've dealt with mostly miserable-ass people who wanna bring you down. Example? I got one.

Here's one that I remember experiencing. Some six years ago, this little pencil-dick, scrawny-ass nigga just decided to kick up some beef out of nowhere with my older brother, who's also my best friend that I've known for literally half my life. When I get wind of the shit, I just decided to stand back and see if these fools are gonna duke it out and be done with it.

Nope. For the sake of this post, we just gonna refer to this nigga as Curtis, because he a mutha fuckin snitch. What does Curtis do? Curtis blows up my phone one day while I'm in class and when I finally call him back, he starts going on about talking about "fuck that nigga" and how I need to ditch him.

Pause. I've known said big brother since the very first day I stepped onto my old middle school grounds and while he's a complete arse and has given me reasons many times over to ditch his ass, he has always been there for me and proud of every one of my accolades. Curtis? This nigga had something to say about my first higher learning institution being a university instead of the community college damn near every motherfucker and his mama in my area run to after graduation. Then he had the nerve to ask me who had been the better friend. If you must ask this question in the hopes the answer is yourself, then you must not be the fantastic support system you want people to think you are. Now, I've moved on from what Curtis tried to pull but it's still the principle of the thing.

What irks me even more are people who are happy and basically stop wantin' to fuck with you because you're happy that you've achieved something you sought out or found a new partner. Even more so when that person is supposed to be your damn best friend and they act like you've poisoned their most cherished pet or some shit and quit talking to you out of the blue when you were talking like normal days and hours before. Normally, I'd be that person who asks "What the hell I do that was so damn bad you don't even have two words to say to me anymore?" Now, I'm not even gonna give myself a headache about it because if I know I haven't done shit to you, then there's no need for me to click out and I save myself some drama. On the other side of that coin, this could be because that friend might be getting ready to let something come between your bond and just wanna project that shit onto you. What bothers me about this type of fuckery is that your friends (this goes triple for bests) should be the happiest fuckers out of everyone for you if something good has happened in your life.

I forgot about this category: the "friends" who take the side of someone you introduced to your circle rather than the person who introduced that individual when the two get into a conflict and proceeds to take the word of the former over that of the latter as pure gospel truth. There's two sides to every story and for you to just blatantly ignore what your friend has to say is complete and utter bullshit.

The moral of the story, folks?

If you fall into any of these categories, you are fake as fuck and need to get the fuck lost. Make way for real niggas/bitches and please remove yourself from my sight.

So Your mate looks a hot ass mess, what do you do?

Ok, so I have noticed that lately, men especially are failing their women. I feel some people need a lesson in the proper things to do in a certain situation. But I'm gonna break this down in parts.

First off, ladies, if you're that bitch that has the nerve to come ask your man if a certain item of your wardrobe makes you look fat, bitch, choke. Let me explain something to every female that does this shit. Men do not appreciate being in this position. First off, he sees you naked. So what he really wants to say is, "No, bitch, those jeans don't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." And if you're a skinny bitch and you ask this question, choke twice. Bitch, I see your fucking ribcage  and your heart beating through your chest but you asked me if you look fat? No, stupid hoe, you need to go fucking eat a burger.

Now understand, this isn't a dig on big or fat girls. This is just a simple solution. Stop asking stupid ass questions. Bitch if you're fat, fucking deal with it. Don't ask us if anything makes you look fat. It's rude and uncomfortable and you need to go give your life.

Now fellas, I'm gonna single you out because ladies rarely let shit like this happen. It's about time y'all stop walking on eggshells and shit and be honest. Women say they want honesty, right? Give that bitch what she wants. So most women frequently try to change up their looks. Sometimes it's a small thing, sometimes it's major. So let's start with a couple of common scenarios.

1. Hair dye-if you see your woman brought home some hair dye, or you're in the store with her, make sure this bitch gets a color that doesn't make you embarrassed to be seen with her ass. Bright neon fucking orange hair is not really appropriate for most people. If she black as midnight, don't let that bitch come out with bleach blonde hair. Her hair needs to compliment her skin color goddamn it. If she asks your opinion, pay attention. And be brutally honest. If she selects anything orange, ask that bitch if she is attempting to look like the Great Pumpkin. That oughta put a stop to that shit.

2. Clothing-this is more of a problem for my big girls. Ladies, please dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had. Fellas, tell this bitch if her rolls hanging out or her muffin top is showing. I'm so serious. If your woman comes out in something three sizes too small, send that bitch back in her room with orders to change. If she has nothing in her wardrobe that fits, fuck a date. Take that bitch shopping and make her try shit on. Buy this bitch clothes that fit. Likewise, ladies, if this dude comes to you with his pants hanging off his ass, first off, give that moron a wedgie. I'm not kidding. Yank them pants up so high his balls reach his stomach. Then, buy this idiot a belt and some pants that fit. Please make sure he understands what sagging pants meant. It started in prison as a way to let the other men know one was open to be plowed. Then it was used by gay males to pick up johns in the seventies. So fellas, when you keep getting eyed by a dude and your pants are sagging, it's cuz you're telling him you're gay and you're ready to be fucked. stupid ass. Ladies, do not let your hetero man out of the house like this.

Let me add on, be age appropriate with your clothing. If you're forty, dress like it. Do not dress like the teenagers. 95% of you don't have the body to pull that shit off. And if you're a man in your forties dressing like these young dudes, you look stupid.

3. Dancing-ok, so i got no problem with booty dancing. This is directed more towards fellas after the shit I saw last night at the bar. Please don't dance like you've never got pussy in your life. Seriously. You are not Usher or Chris Brown. Odds are, you just think you dance that good but you look stupid as fuck. So ladies, if this dude can't dance, back that ass up against him, wrap his arms around your waist, and show this dude how to move with you so he doesn't look like a complete retard. And you know if your man can't dance.

Alternate take. Ladies, if you have no ass, why are you twerkin? You can move your body appropriately for that flat ass you have. Do not dance like you got ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass when you really are flatter than a fucking pancake and are just painful to watch. If you got rhythm, don't twerk. Just dance. show off the rhythm without trying to pop lock and drop what you don't actually have.




Point is, if your mate looks a hot ass mess, it is your obligation to tell them to fix it. Obnoxious hair colors, bad dressing, bad dancing, whatever it is, this person represents you. If they're sensitive, I suggest they thicken that skin. If they can take it from others but not from you, get someone else to say something. But you should want your other half to be your better half. I have a rule, and perhaps the dominant one in the relationship should adopt this. You cannot go out of the house with me looking worse than me. You need to look better at all times.

Pause. Let me address you insecure fucks that let your other half go out looking a hot ass mess because you think no one will want them that way. See a real man or woman can look underneath the mess to see the potential and will want that anyway. You're not keeping them with you by letting them look a mess. And frankly, if you have to do that, you shouldn't be with the person anyway.

This is really not that hard of a concept to grasp. Keep your man or woman looking good at all times, or at least as good as they can.

Dick Riders

Now, I know some of you read that and your mind went in the gutter. We not talking about fuckin' right at this moment, though if I really wanted to, I could totally go through the do's and don'ts of riding a dick. Nah, we talking metaphorically here. You ever come across people that just dick ride all the mutha fuckin time? I have, and it's getting on my nerves.

Ok, so let's start with example number one. I get online and this bitch with the joint Facebook account is dick riding her husband so hard all I can do is shake my head. Look here, I understand love for your husband, if that's what you do indeed have. But bitch, why the fuck are you the only one posting on the page and every fucking time you post, it's a dick ride? No one gives an iota of a fuck about your husband's sports endeavors. No one cares if y'all just got done fucking. No one cares that you're still trying to convince yourselves that you're in love. We just don't give a fuck. If you gonna dick ride your husband, stick to the literal and not the metaphorical.

Need another example? We gotta go into nerd territory so bear with me. Ever heard of fantasy football and baseball leagues? Well, there's role playing centered around wrestling. We create our characters and role play in fictional federations for fictional titles with no real meaning outside of this role play. Well, it just so happens that there's one guy, who for the sake of reference I'm just going to call Jackass. This Jackass has the most unrealistic gimmick ever thought up in wrestling. Seriously, he's a hybrid mix of Undertaker, Kane, and Marvel characters. He's a total mark for CM Punk and the Miz but has the nerve to call others for modeling their characters after their favorites. He is the biggest dickwad on the scene. He has a god complex and an inferiority complex at the same time. This leads him to take unnecessary shots at the people that are, you know, better than him. Fine, whatever. Who the fuck cares? Unfortunately, Jackass has made roleplaying his entire life. He brought politics in role play.

Pause. Ok, there were some politics before him, but he perfected the mutha fuckin art of politics. How the fuck do we have backstage politics that rival the actual sport we're modeling after? Because he's a dick, that's why. And what's worse, he has way too many dick riders and now people are wondering why the scene is dying out. The vets who've been on this particular scene longer than him don't like him. It's not that they're jealous, it's just that he sucks the fun out of the game. People dick ride him because he's done so much to establish his federation and kill off the others. Even when he's clearly in the wrong, they dick ride. Dude, it's role playing. Why the fuck are you dick riding in role playing? This is a game, folks. It's not supposed to be serious. We don't get paid for this shit. Get off the dick. Trust me, life in role playing is a lot easier when everyone isn't trying to ride the same dick.

Dick riders just irk the hell out of me. And do you ever notice dick riders always ride the dick of someone that is a complete and utter idiot? They take everything the person says as words of wisdom when in reality, they're a moron. These people dick ride so hard they might as well literally jump on the dick and scream the person's name. Fuck yo' heterosexuality. If you dick riding this hard on a lame, you need to rethink what you define yourself as. And sadly, some of the hardest dick riders are men who claim to be straight.

Pause. If you're so straight, why the blue fuck can you not get off this other dude's nuts? Whether its in role playing, sports, or life in general, no one man holds all the answers and generally speaking, men can be short sighted and some are just outright stupid. Damn, if you must dick ride, at least find a big dick to ride that actually knows what it's doing.......see, now your mind just went back in the gutter. Keep up, damn it, we're still being metaphorical here. For the most part anyway. If you didn't keep up, what that meant was, find someone with half a brain to follow if you can't lead yourself. Dumbass.

Jump Offs, Cutty Buddies, Friends with Benefits/Fuck Buddies, Boyfriend/Girlfriend #

Ok, now if you look at the title, you might think I'm saying these are bad things. No, these titles are not the fuckery. It's the lack of understanding of these terms that is the fuckery. I need bitches and hoes to know their place. Now, if you mess with someone ignant like me, you've heard these terms. Need a break down? Let's go, and this will be complete with things you don't do.

Jump offs: You serve one sole purpose, and you very rarely serve it. You might only serve it once. That purpose is to fuck. Plain and simple. You are that one that is called to smash one good time and you probably never hear from me again. You were only good for that purpose.

Cutty buddy: Like jump offs, you serve one purpose. That is also to fuck. What makes you different is that you are a regular. You must be pretty damn good in bed to get this title, but understand, this is all there is. No conversation that isn't related to sex. We may not see each other in daylight. Your purpose is to fuck when time allows and to do so often and without strings.

Friends with benefits/fuck buddies: These titles are interchangeable. You are a lot like the cutty buddy. The difference, you're actually a friend. You can have conversations and you just happen to screw regularly when it's convenient. You, unlike the previous two, can be seen in public. Most won't know anything is amiss because you are a friend or buddy who just happens to fuck behind closed doors. You don't get to question or get jealous, and you step down when there's a new boyfriend/girlfriend

boyfriend/girlfriend #: Ok, this one requires a little more explanation. Ok, you might get a little happy because you have a title. You're a boyfriend or girlfriend. But you have a number attached to that title. This is a bit tricky. There's a priority with you. So let's make this simple. If you are boyfriend/girlfriend #1 you have the highest priority. You have all the rights and privileges of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Downside, you probably don't know there are others. However, you can do everything because you're the main one. You get to ask questions about whereabouts, who calls and texts. You get first priority on my time. However, if you are boyfriend/girlfriend #2 or higher, you know there are others and you need to know your place in line. You're not #1. You should limit your questioning and demands. You do get time, but in order. You probably have a designated day or days. Or a signal that I'm with the numbers ahead of you. Know yo' mutha fuckin' role. Your job is to pick up the slack of what #1 isn't doing. If you have this title, you are known. You are seen with me in daylight. Unless it's somewhere #1 might go. In which case, you know how to act in public. Number 1 doesn't get to know of our relationship. Any of the other numbers, who gives a fuck? If they have a number other than 1 then they know what's up.

Now here's where the fuckery begins. Don't cross your boundaries. You know what you are. If you only ever hear from someone late at night, probably at like two in the morning and it's always about sex, you are a cutty buddy. You get only booty calls and if you start it then accept it. Don't try to go through my phone. That will get yo' dumb ass slapped. Don't ask me where I been or why I only call or come see you late at night. Bitch, you're a cutty buddy. Know your role and shut the fuck up.

If you got it one time and never heard from a person again, assuming this occurred shortly after meeting a person, probably within a few days, guess what, you're a jump off. You were needed to solve the issue for the moment and go one about your business. If you don't hear back the next day or two, keep it pushing. Don't call or text me asking when you're going to see me again. You're not. You're a jump off.

If you fall under friends with benefits/fuck buddy, understand the words friends or buddy in that. Play your part. If you want more, make sure there are not boyfriends or girlfriends in the way. But also understand it's highly unlikely you'll progress to the next stage.

Boyfriends/girlfriends with #s, know your number damn it. I can't stress this enough. Now if your goal is to become number 1, you have to blow the current number 1 out of the water. This is not the most likely scenario. Number 1 is the one that I have stronger feelings for. Number 1 has to fuck up royally or just become boring and useless. Don't actively step above your damn number. I will let you know when you've progressed to a higher level. If you're impatient, it's better to break it off because you never know how long you'll be number 2 or 3.

I hate when people over step their bounds. It irks me. And when I'm single I'm bound to have one in most of these categories. Overstepping bounds is how people get cut off and discarded. If you fit into a role and you know it, stay the fuck in it. The fuckery that is a dumbass trying to step up from cutty buddy to boyfriend/girlfriend is not amusing. It pisses me off. You're a cutty buddy for a reason. You're a jump off or a FWB for a reason. Learn it, know it, deal with it, and shut the fuck up.

Sex=Love?

I don't know about you, but I always run across those dumb ass people that equate sex with love. These are the morons that fall in love with any person they have sex with. As in, at some point after the first time they have sex with a person, they say those three little words that fuck a whole day up. So right after sex that first time, they say they love the other person.

Pause. Really? You fucked one time and now you're in love? Was it that good? Let me answer that for you, hell no. Want to know how i know it was that good? Because if you fucking with me, the very first time I probably don't care as much about rocking your world. This is especially true if we're not officially together and I decide to fuck you. I have a desire to make sure you're satisfied, but not to rock your world. Secondly, even if I were to pull out all the stops, bitch, we just fucked once. I'm not in love with yo' dumb ass. We fucked. Even if you're the best I ever had, which you're probably not, that does not make me fall in love.

I'll give an example. I had an ex who I stupidly remained friends with during our off periods over the course of five and a half years. Now this was a moron. We would talk and he'd tell me he has a guy he met online coming over. Or maybe some guy he met when he went out somewhere and got his number. Whatever the case, the guy is coming over. This is their first meeting and they're going to have sex. This never bothered me, because we weren't together and I had my own things going. The problem always came the next day. Because he'd call all excited, just having to tell me how it was the night before. And inevitably, he would tell me he was in love.

Ugh, seriously? Didn't you just meet this dude yesterday? But you're in love. Are you fucking kidding me? Damn you must be the neediest, most desperate fuck I've ever come across. Inevitably, about a week later, he'd call me all heartbroken because the guy had broken things off. On the rare occasion that one of these lasted longer than a week, such as the one that lasted like six months, things got much worse. Six months in, this DL guy he'd been messing with decided to let his ass go. Mind you, in six months, the only thing they really did together was fuck, but he fell in love. Madly in love. So far in love he tried to kill himself when it ended. In hindsight, I probably should have let him succeed instead of being that uber loyal friend that ran to his rescue. but whatever, i can't change who I am, right?

Point is, this is an extreme version of the idiots that confuse sex with love. The fuckery of this idea is mind boggling, especially when the ex I just told you about could be the biggest hoe around. So he fancied himself in love an awful lot over the course of the five and a half years we were associated with each other. It was rather pathetic. Seriously, it was an every other week type of thing with him. And there were several suicide attempts when they didn't return the feeling. Needy bastard.

So let's put this in simple terms for the fucktards who don't understand. Love is not necessary in order to have sex. If you have sex with someone, this does not mean they love you after. You should probably not say the words "I love you" during or right after sex. If you think that after sex you're in love, you should examine the situation. Do not confuse love with lust. Sex does not equal love. Especially for hoes. You can not fall in love with every person or every other person you fuck. It is really annoying for someone like me to fuck someone and then get a declaration of love, especially if I didn't plan on talking to yo' stupid ass after. As the saying goes, "We don't love them hoes."

Hate Crime

Ok, watch the link above before you read the rest of this blog. This is an issue that's a bit near and dear to my heart so I elected to speak on it. Hate crimes against the LGBT community happen a lot more often than you think but this video shows one right after the pride parade in New York. If you pay attention, a man who is beyond old enough to know better starts this altercation with the youths who have just left the parade. He yells at them obscenely and a fellow passenger decides to record this. Eventually, these two men realize she's recording and assault this young woman in an effort to get her phone from her. They don't want this recorded evidence. This same man has the audacity to put his hand around the throat of one young lesbian woman. The louder of the two men threatens them repeatedly.

There are so many crimes that can be charged in this. Assault or attempted assault, the threats, causing a public disturbance. Whatever, it's a hate crime, clear and simple. These men choose to yell and scream at them, telling them they're not normal. They place their hands on people first. No one provoked them. And the fact that they tried to get the camera phone from the person recording to break it shows that deep down, they know they're in the wrong. They know they started it and they don't want to get caught. Eventually they will get caught and we can only hope they are prosecuted.

This issue hits so close to home because I am a part of that community. If you've read my writing or seen some of my favored reviews you can probably tell this. This is something many of us face. There is generally never any call for this. Rarely does a gay man hit on a straight man to provoke this type of reaction. Believe it or not, we can generally spot our own kind well and avoid hitting on a straight one at all costs. There are always exceptions to the rule but this was clearly not a case of these men being hit on. It was not a case of anything but them exploding to spout off their own hate for something they do not understand. That disturbs me. Because if not for this passenger with her camera and her quickness in pulling the brake to summon authorities, this could have gone much worse.  

The people involved have filed police reports and the purpose of the video is to call attention to this and to get others to speak out. This is an emotional situation and I'm thankful at least that no one was actually hurt this time. But you can see how this could have gone so much further if those two men's fear of being caught hadn't kicked in. This is hatred and fear in pure form, and it's a sickening thing to see. Regardless of if you agree with the sexuality of another, it is never your place to cast judgment. If you disagree because of your religion, great. Your religion should tell you that your god makes the final judgment. No religion tells you that you are judge, jury, and executioner. If you feel it's not natural, hey, it's just not natural to you. That doesn't mean it's not natural to others. Regardless, respect is the important thing. We are all human trying to make it through this thing called life. It's high time we move past fear of what we don't understand and learn to simply coexist with one another.