How many partners have you had?

So you just got into a relationship, right? You're in that getting to know another stage. It's fun. You get to ask about everything. Their likes and dislikes, family, friends, sex.

Pause pause pause for the mutha fuckin cause. I can deal with it when sex comes up. I might enjoy that conversation more than any other. But here's the problem. They always ask that one question after they get me to admit I've had quite a bit of sex. They want to know how many partners I've had before them. That is such an unfair and bullshit question. I've made it clear, because I can't sit and lie, that I've been active. This is the rudest question to ask me ever. Don't get it? Allow me to tell you why.

1. I just fucking told you I've been pretty active. Why in the blue fuck do you need a number to put with it?

2. Bitch, I lost count years ago. I started early. I have been fucking for well over a decade and a half. And I'm not saying this as some badge of honor. I'm just being real. 

3. This question then leads to more questions that will only make you feel insecure. Then you want to know about sizes. Ladies want to know if the chick was fat or skinny, if her boobs were bigger or smaller. Dudes want to know if the dick was bigger or the ass was tighter; did the other guys ride it, could they take it, did they run from it.

Lets be real. When it comes to sex, you need to know very few things. First, you need to know I get tested regularly and I'm clean. Never had any STD ever. Second, you need to know positions I like, positions I hate, and positions I want to try. You need to know turn ons and turn offs. What you don't need to know is the exact number of people I had before you. Don't worry about the past, worry about the present. And don't ask me mutha fuckin questions I don't actually know the answer to. Because if I lie and give you a low ball number, it'll come to light. If I tell you the truth, which is I don't fucking know because I been doing this shit way too long and stopped counting years ago, then you'll look down your nose at me. The shit isn't relevant to what we're about to do. Asking that one question opens the door to infinite levels of fuckery that will just fuck up the whole relationship. So ladies and gents, do me a favor, stop asking for exact fucking numbers of partners.